


The Perfect Gift

by LivingJoke



Category: Harley Quinn (Cartoon 2019)
Genre: Birthday, Bisexual Female Character, Canon-Typical Violence, Comfort, Declarations Of Love, F/F, Fluff, Girls Kissing, Harley is an Excitable Bean, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Lots of kissing, Murder Wives, Murder as a Punchline, Soulmates, Swearing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-21
Updated: 2020-09-30
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:21:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,113
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26578264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LivingJoke/pseuds/LivingJoke
Summary: It's Ivy's birthday and Harley has the whole day planned out
Relationships: Pamela Isley/Harleen Quinzel, Poison Ivy/Harley Quinn
Comments: 16
Kudos: 71





	1. The Birthday Girl

The day had finally come. It was Ivy’s birthday and Harley had been planning for weeks. This was their first time celebrating the special day as a couple and she wanted to make sure everything went perfectly. Harley was putting up the last of the decorations when Ivy walked through the door.

“Hey, Ive!” she said excitedly, taping green balloons to the coffee table, “Today’s the big day!”

She was sitting on the floor, legs crossed, eyes now fixated on her roommate. She could feel the explosion of butterflies in her tummy as she took in Ivy’s beauty. Ivy looked around the room at the decorations. Green and brown helium balloons littered the ceiling, there was a banner hung over the couch that read ‘Happy Birthday, Ivy!’ and on the now decorative coffee table, there sat a present.

“Hey, uh, what’s all this about?” Ivy asked

“It’s your birthday, silly!” Harley squealed and she stood up and wrapped Ivy tightly in her arms

“Harls, you know I don’t celebrate my birthday,” Ivy said, hugging her back, “I haven’t done that since I was a kid.”

They broke from the hug and Ivy held Harley’s hands

“Besides, millions of plants die every day. It feels a little hypocritical to celebrate my own survival. It’s like saying “Fuck you, plants! Look who outlived you!”

“Ive,” Harley groaned, “Can’t we celebrate just this once? Look, I even got you a present!”

She picked up the small package from the table and gave Ivy a big smile.

“I can see that,” Ivy said, “What is it?”

“Well, that would ruin the surprise if I told you, duh,” Harley said, “But do you like the wrapping paper?”

“It’s green,” said Ivy, trying to sound enthusiastic

“With a red bow on top! It’s like your hair!” Harley said

Ivy could see the excitement in her girlfriend’s eyes and decided to play along with her.

“Yes. It’s adorable-”

“Like you,” Harley interrupted

Ivy blushed and continued

“So how about we open it up, get cozied up on the couch, and watch some WayneTube. I heard there was this great new video of this big game hunter getting eaten by a lion. It sounds hilarious.”

Ivy went to reach for the present but Harley pulled it away and held it to her chest.

“Nuh uh uh,” she said, “I have a whole day planned for us. Then tonight when we get home you can open your present.”

Ivy felt mixed emotions. Of course spending the day out with Harley sounded like fun and she would happily oblige any other time but this was her birthday. The last time she tried to celebrate it, her father spent the whole night making fun of her for not having any friends. She had bad memories associated with this day. Maybe it was time to make some good ones.

“Fine,” Ivy said, “I’ll play your game.”

Harley’s face lit up.

“Yay! We’re gonna have so much fun! Okay so first things first, we’re going to the botanical gardens,” Harley said, pulling out her phone and tapping frantically.

Ivy knew she was in for a long day but god damn if she didn’t love this clown.


	2. Walk Forever in My Garden

Harley and Ivy pulled up outside the botanical gardens.

“We’re here!” Harley said, “Now I’m sure you’re wondering like ‘Why did you bring me here?’”

“Is it because I love plants?” Ivy interjected

“Yes but,” Harley said, holding a finger up, “I know you don’t come here often because you hate people.”

“You’re not wrong there,” Ivy said

“That’s why I rented out the entire place for today!”

“Woah, Harls, how’d you afford that?”

“It wasn’t hard. I just had to track down the owner, break into his house, and threaten to smash his kneecaps into chalk dust.”

“Aw, babe, you threatened someone for me? That’s so sweet.”

“Anything for you, babe,” Harley said and kissed Ivy on the cheek, “Now come on, we still have a lot to do today and I want to stay on schedule.”

Harley got out of the bright red car (which still said ‘Just Married’ on the back) and raced around the other side to open Ivy’s door.

“Thanks, hon,” Ivy said, “I guess chivalry isn’t dead after all.”

“Hey,” Harley said, “It is my baby’s special day and she is not going to have to lift a finger if I have anything to say about it!”

“You’re an idiot,” Ivy smiled

“I’m your idiot,” Harley said and kissed her softly, “Come on, we’re gonna miss it!”

“Miss what?” Ivy said, as Harley dragged her along by the arm

“You’ll see! Just hurry up!”

Harley stood outside the doors to the garden and turned to face Ivy.

“I’m gonna need you to close your eyes.”

“Harley, isn’t that a bit much? No. And your hands are over my eyes. Wonderful.”

Harley carefully maneuvered the both of them into the building. This proved difficult with Ivy being the taller one but she managed to line her lover up just in time for the surprise.

“Happy birthday!” Harley said, removing her hands from Ivy’s eyes

Ivy squinted as she adjusted to the light and when her vision refocused, she saw a dead man propped up on a bench next to a large black custom hung curtain.

“Holy fuck,” Ivy said

“Oh shit!” Harley yelled, “I forgot the big reveal!”

She rushed over to the darkened cloth and pulled it away fast, revealing a large plant shaped like a pod.

“Is that…” Ivy said, her eyes now fixated on the plant in front of her.

“Yep. Amorphophallus titanum. Otherwise known as titan arum and most commonly referred to as the Corpse Flower,” Harley said, wrapping her arms around her girlfriend’s waist.

“And it’s…”

“It’s about to bloom, baby. On your special day.”

“Harley, I… I don’t know what to say. These flowers are only in bloom like once every ten years. I’ve never seen it in person before.”

“I know.”

“You know this is gonna smell like shit, right?”

“Yeah, that’s why I prepared,” Harley said, pulling a gas mask out of her bag

“Nose plugs would have been fine, ya know,” Ivy said

“Go big or go home, Ive,” Harley said, putting the mask on

They sat on the bench together and Harley put her arm around Ivy’s shoulder. Ivy rested her head on Harley and they watched as the flower slowly took shape in front of their eyes. It was a beautiful sight to see. Almost as beautiful, Ivy thought, as the person who set the whole thing up.

“So you killed this guy because it’s called a Corpse Flower, right?” Ivy murmured

“Yeah… it was a lot funnier in my head.”


	3. Catch Me If You Can

“That was a great present, babe,” Ivy said, “I gotta say, I was nervous to see what you had planned at first. I was worried you were gonna go all out, ya know? But that was really… nice.”

“Oh, we’re not done yet.”

“We’re not?”

“Nope! This is your day. I’m gonna treat you like a queen and god damn it you’re going to like it!”

“What if I would _like_ to go home with you and…”

Ivy smirked as she ran her fingers through Harley’s hair

“God, you’re hot when you’re sexy,” Harley said

She was weak in the knees but she stood her ground

“But you’re not getting out of it that easy, Poison Oaky.”

“Okay, that one didn’t even make sense,” Ivy said as Harley rushed past her

Harley picked up her pace and before long she was running far ahead of the birthday girl.

“Here we go again,” Ivy said under her breath as she began to chase her girlfriend

“Harley, where are we going?!” she called

“You’ll see!” Harley called back

“We drove here!” Ivy yelled, “We can’t just leave the car!”

“Oh, stop whining! I locked the doors!”

“It’s a convertible!”

“Besides! It’s not much farther!” Harley yelled, “Tell you what! Last one there has to kiss the winner!”

“Oh, you’re on!”

Ivy pulled a large root from the ground and snapped it out in front of Harley in an attempt to slow her down but it was no match for the harlequin’s gymnastics. She grabbed hold of the root and performed a perfect 360° front flip.

“And she sticks the landing!” Harley called back with a huge smile on her face, “You’ll have to try harder than that if you’re gonna catch up to me!”

“Challenge accepted!” Ivy yelled

She began to form a whirling vortex of scattered leaves that had fallen to the ground and used them to trap Harley in the middle. Ivy smirked victoriously as she casually walked up to the vortex to see Harley punching and kicking at the leaves to no avail.

“You know, since you never told me where we were going in the first place, I guess it’ll just have to be a tie.”

Ivy let the leaves disperse into the wind and Harley was free.

“And by that logic,” Ivy continued, “I guess we’ll just have to kiss each other.”

“Makes sense to me,” Harley said and the two kissed passionately

As they kissed, Ivy held onto Harley’s waist and Harley’s leg went up behind her.

“So now are you gonna tell me where we’re going?” Ivy asked softly

“We’re here,” Harley said, looking up at a large neon sign that read ‘Tunnel of Love’


	4. Love is a Battletunnel

Ivy looked up at the sign and let out a small chuckle.

“Wow, Harls, I didn’t know you were so-”

“Romantic? Adorable? Unpredictable?” Harley interrupted confidently

“Cliché,” Ivy finished, smiling

“Oh, shut up. It’s not like I was planning to kiss you on top of the Ferris Wheel or something,” Harley said as she took a notebook out of her bag and began crossing something out.

The two began walking toward the heart-shaped entrance to the Tunnel of Love. Ivy could see the two-seater boats that resembled large doves. The park had been abandoned for a while and all the rides now had rust and moss growing on them but the tunnel seemed to be in perfect shape. Clean, clear water reflected the pristinely polished boats and gorgeous lighting effects. She began to suspect that someone might have fixed it up recently.

Ivy wasn’t used to this level of ‘lovey dovey romance.’ She used to make fun of those cheesy romantic comedies and love ballads, thinking it was all a big load of fertilizer created by corporations to sell greeting cards. Lately, however, she began to think that, with the right person, maybe a candlelit dinner or two wouldn’t be so bad.

“I thought you’d hate amusement parks,” Ivy said, “After all the shit you went through with-”

“Joker,” Harley said, stopping in her tracks

“Yeah, with-” 

Ivy stopped and looked to where Harley had been staring.

“Oh, of fucking course, why wouldn’t he be here?”

There, standing with his hands on his hips and staring up at a decommissioned roller coaster, stood the Joker wearing a hardhat and toolbelt.

“Babe, hold my bag,” Harley said

Ivy took the bag and put it over her shoulder.

“Come on, let’s just go,” Ivy said, “You can show me what else you’ve got on your list. He’s not worth our time.”

“Ivy, I love you, but I respectfully disagree and I’m also recklessly impulsive.”

“I know this and I love you.”

“This is your day. I’m not gonna let some Juggalo lookin’ asshole stand in the way of it.”

Ivy sighed. She knew that once Harley had made her mind up about something, it was almost pointless to try talking her out of it.

“Fine,” Ivy said, “Go get ‘em, babe.”

Harley gave Ivy a quick kiss and put her angry face on. She began marching up to her ex.

“Who’s this clown?” Harley said as she approached him, “Get it? Because not only does it imply that you’re a clown but that you’re not even a well-known clown. And by the way, you smell like shit. Are you sure you didn’t fall into a giant toilet bowl instead of a vat of acid?”

“You’re doing great, babe!” Ivy called over to her and gave her a thumbs up

“Harley!” Joker said as he turned around, “Whatever could you be doing here?”

“I’m here to celebrate Ivy’s birthday. Not like you would know anything about that,” Harley said, rolling her eyes

“Oh, give me a break. How am I supposed to remember your birthday when I don’t even know my own birthday?”

“What are you even doing here?”

“Hello!” Joker said, “It’s an abandoned amusement park in Gotham! Where else would I be? I’m setting up a new evil lair seeing as I lost mine when SOMEONE decided to destroy the city.”

“That was like five months ago, get over it,” Harley said, “And there are like seventy abandoned amusement parks in this city. Go find another one to build your lair in.”

“You go find another one! I was here first!”

“Ivy! I’m gonna cut this bitch!” Harley yelled

As the two began to seethe with rage, the earth beneath their feet began to crack and shift, causing a rift to appear between them. Behind Harley, Ivy stood atop a tower of moss. She summoned nearby tree branches to jab in the Joker’s direction before stopping directly in front of his face.

“Leave. Now,” Ivy commanded

Joker was visibly upset at being told what to do and it could be heard in his voice.

“Fine,” he said, beginning to walk away, “Bunch of crazy bitches anyway.”

Harley grabbed him by the shoulder, turned him around, and kneed him in the groin. The Joker fell to his knees before her.

“No one calls my girlfriend a bitch,” she said

“I mean, you do sometimes, babe,” Ivy said, lowering herself from the moss tower

“No one calls my girlfriend a bitch except for me sometimes,” Harley corrected herself, “Ive, yeet this asshole.”

“With pleasure,” Ivy said

Several branches gripped the Joker by his limbs and began spinning him at a high speed before launching him into the sky and out of the park.

Harley let out a satisfied sigh and clasped her hands together.

“You know I could have handled that, right?” she said, taking her bag back from Ivy

“I’m sure you could have,” Ivy said, grinning

“I could!”

“Oh, definitely.”

The two bickered all the way to the tunnel.

As they took their seats in the ornithologically-inspired boat, the lights around them began to turn pink and soft music began to play. The boat unlatched from its base and the two began gently drifting along the sparkling water.

“You know, it’s weird,” Ivy said, “Out of the entire park, why would Joker only fix up the Tunnel of Love? I figured that’d be a little out of his league.”

“Joker?” Harley said, “Please. That idiot couldn’t even fix a sandwich.”

“Yeah,” Ivy said, “He’d probably yell at us to make it for him.”

Harley and Ivy both laughed. After a few more cracks at the Joker and a lot more laughing, Harley looked her soulmate in the eyes.

“Joker didn’t fix this up,” she said, “I did.”

Ivy looked at her and smiled.

“I had a feeling,” she said, “When did you get the time to do all this?”

“Well, some nights, after you went to bed, I’d kiss you on the forehead and then head out here to work on it. Obviously I didn’t tell you because I wanted it to be a surprise. Plus, I know you don’t really like when people do things for you because, for some reason, you feel like you don’t deserve it even though you are the most amazing, most beautiful, kindest, smartest, funniest woman I have ever met.”

Ivy could feel her face burning and tried to hide her blushing with her jacket collar. Harley noticed this and gently took her chin between her thumb and index finger, turning her head so that she was looking directly into her eyes.

“I love you, Ive.”

“I love you too, Harls.”

The two shared a soft, loving kiss as the pink lights and music echoed around them. It was just Harley and Ivy, alone in their own little world. And they were happy.


	5. The Show Must Go On

“Ya know, I had my doubts at first but today has actually been pretty great,” Ivy said as they exited the tunnel, “This was really sweet, Harls. Thanks.”

Ivy smiled at Harley and Harley’s eyes lit up

“I’m so glad you’re having fun, Ive, because I have something real special coming up next.”

For the first time since they had left their apartment, Ivy didn’t protest. Instead, she took hold of Harley’s hand and spoke.

“I can’t wait to see it, babe.”

Harley squealed with excitement and began to race back to the car, still gripping Ivy’s hand and dragging her along. Ivy stumbled at first before catching up. She could see how happy Harley was in this moment. She smiled and laughed, wishing this moment would never end.

Upon reaching the car, the two of them jumped into the front seats.

“Are you ready for my magnum opus?” Harley asked, turning the key in the ignition

“At this point, I think I’m ready for anything,” Ivy said

Harley pressed her foot on the gas pedal and the two of them drove off into the sunset.

A few minutes later, they had arrived at the Monarch Theater and the two of them exited the car.

“Wow. I thought this place closed down years ago,” Ivy said, “What with the murder of the Waynes and all that.”

“Nah,” Harley said, “Business is business. Besides, if you don’t wanna get shot, maybe don’t hang around a place called Crime Alley.”

“You got me there,” Ivy said

Harley pulled open the large glass door, decorated in fancy golden designs, and followed Ivy into the theater’s main lobby. The space was incredibly roomy with bright red carpets covering every inch of the floor. The walls were scattered with posters for upcoming films and the ceiling was built into a massive dome-shaped skylight.

“Wow,” Ivy said, looking around, “I don’t go to the movies much, especially since streaming services are so readily available and you get tons of great content in the comfort of your own home for a nominal fee, but this is actually pretty cool.”

“Isn’t it?” Harley said, holding her arms out and twirling around the lobby, “Ooh, come on, the show’s about to start.”

She grabbed Ivy’s hand once more and pulled her through a set of double doors and into an auditorium. The padded seats lined the aisles and instead of a projector screen, Ivy could see a stage at the end of the room.

“What show are we seeing?” Ivy asked, as Harley placed her into a seat directly in the middle of the auditorium. She believed the acoustics were best in this spot.

“Oh, you’ll see,” Harley said, sitting next to her and leaning onto Ivy’s shoulder.

From her bag, she pulled out a walkie-talkie and pressed the button down before speaking into it.

“Showtime,” she said and put the walkie-talkie away

On cue, the lights dimmed and Ivy could see someone walk out on stage. The silhouetted figure looked vaguely familiar but Ivy could not make out who it was in this lighting. As she strained her eyes to see, the lights came back on, shining bright and causing Ivy to flinch in her seat. After her eyes adjusted once more, she saw the figure in full. It was her. It was actually Ivy. Standing on the stage. Whilst also seated in the middle row.

“What’s going on here? This is worse than the time I took peyote in college,” she said

Stage-Ivy began to speak in a very strange dialect that the real Ivy recognized the second the sound hit her ears.

“It is I! Poison IvyyYYYYYYY!”

“Okay. Clayface!” Ivy yelled as she stood up, “What is this?”

“There is no ‘Clayface’,” Clayface said, “There is only Dr. Pamela Isley! Botanist extraordinaire! Sure, I had a rough childhood growing up on the mean streets of Gotham City but, in my heart of hearts, I always strived to do what was best for the plantlife and the Earth that I so humbly consider my own family.”

“Yeah, this just got weird,” Ivy said

She attempted to leave her row but Harley stopped her

“Oh, come on, Ive,” she said, “I worked real hard on this.”

Ivy sighed and sat back in her seat

“Okay. But as long as you’re the one who wrote the script…” she said

“Ahem,” Clayface said, “As I was saying. My name is Dr. Pamela Isley. A precocious botanist just out of university. But alas! My experimental serum that I have concocted after years of research has just doused my person! O, woe is me! Woe is me! Is this the end? Grandmother, I am coming for you! I see the light!”

Ivy looked at Harley and raised her eyebrows

“Okay, so he’s riffing a bit. Let it go,” Harley whispered

Clayface spoke again

“Wait! This serum has inadvertently given me phenomenal superhuman abilities! Now under the moniker ‘Poison Ivy’, I will, with due diligence, battle the scrupulous ways of big business and preserve plant life as a ruthless supervillain!”

“Again!” Ivy yelled from the audience, “Not a supervillain! If anything, I’m an eco-terrorist!”

“Ah, yes,” Clayface continued, “My first murder. This so-called ‘philanthropist’ has been dumping toxic waste into our local water reserve, killing hundreds of our floral friends. What am I to do but turn him into a tree and stop his brutal acts using my vial of pheromones?”

Clayface morphed into a man in a police officer’s uniform with a large mustache.

“Is that supposed to be Gordon?” Ivy asked, under her breath

“Yeah, we didn’t have enough actors to fill all the parts,” Harley said

“You’re going downtown, Isley!” Clay-Gordon said

Clayface quickly transformed back into Ivy.

“Ah! To Arkham Asylum, I go! Perhaps I will meet like-minded peers to join me in my environmental crusade! What? Whoever could this be? My… therapist?”

The entire theater was silent.

Clayface recited his line once more.

“My… therapist?!”

Still silence.

Harley pulled the walkie-talkie back out of her bag and whispered into it once more.

“King, you’re on!”

“Oh!” someone said behind the stage

Pounding footsteps began approaching from the left side of the stage. The curtain opened to reveal King Shark walking into center stage wearing a blonde wig tied up in a ponytail. He held a sheet of paper and began reading in a monotonous voice.

“Hello - Doctor - Isley. I - Am - Doctor - Quinzel. I - Will -Be -Your - New -” he read

“Cut!” Harley yelled, jumping from her seat, “We talked about this! You’re not supposed to have the script with you on stage!”

“Look, Harley,” King Shark said, “I already told you, I am an IT shark. I work best behind a computer. I am not a thespian.”

Harley slumped into her seat defeated. Nothing was going her way.

“Ive, I’m sorry,” she said, eyes closed and knees pulled up to her chest on the seat, “I had all this planned out and the last thing I want is to disappoint you on your birthday.”

Harley could hear something coming from the seat next to her. She opened her eyes to see Ivy laughing. Genuinely laughing.

“Ive?” Harley said, “Everything okay?”

“Of course it is,” Ivy said, still laughing, “This is amazing.”

“You mean, you liked this performance?” Harley said, confused

“Oh god no,” Ivy said, “This was a shit show. No offense, guys.”

“None taken,” King Shark said, “I’m just relieved that I can get back home to work on my fan fiction. I haven’t updated in a week and I know my readers must be missing me.”

“But the fact that all of you guys would go through the effort to perform said shit show just for me? Well, that’s something special. You guys really are good friends. So, thank you for this.”

“And I would like to thank you, Ivy” said Clayface, “This has been the role of a lifetime. Never have I been asked to play such a rich, compelling character. It truly allows one to ponder the dichotomy of good and evil when playing a supervillain.”

“Clayface, you are a supervillain,” Harley said

“And, once again, I’m not, just to clarify,” Ivy piped up

“Happy birthday, Ivy,” said Clayface, “I do hope this is a good one.”

“Yeah,” Ivy said, turning to Harley, “This has been the best birthday ever.”


End file.
